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Posts: 5846
Member Since: 05/19/06
08/31/15 02:02 AM
I had lines and lines of are-you-seriousing, but in the end I ruled it "too caustic" and deleted it. It's just...man. Man? You just...you just unloaded barrel after barrel of very cool, very dramatic (and I'm being a mite sarcastic) plot twists on us. I don't know if what you've done has the desired effect, unless your desired effect was "The fuck is this? The fuck is that?" Shouldn't there be...I don't know, foreshadowing, or something? Some serious hinting that there is this crazy crap brewing behind the scenes, and that said crazy crap is going to go down? Or maybe you might not even need that, as long as you don't shove every single plot twist into us all at once. As it is now, it's just...what? What? He's a reincarnation? He's from our universe? He has cocktails of crazy drugs? Why would he have cocktails of crazy drugs? Why can he talk to the birds? Why is this god here? Why is he in the servitude of this god? What the fuck is going on? (That's rhetorical. I know what's going on, seeing as you spelled it all out for us. That's not the point.) You dropped all this on our heads in chapter two, without a "by the way", and I tell you, it's a little supremely unsatisfying. Like, you know what this feels like, at the very least? The chapter two from a completely different story, maybe.
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